They say identical twins are the closest you can get in a relationship. The womb is shared from conception on into a shared world. I loved and adored her. She was my best friend, my mother, and sister. She was everything to me. When we went through the hardest times of our life we always had each other. I was her protection and she was my shoulder and will to live so when she died she took half of me with her. It took me five years to be able to breathe again and not think about her every second of the day. And I always wondered, “what if” I would have done something differently or if I hadn’t said anything would have it still happened? My angel Lurch told me she’d die before me, snatched away before her time. I even saw the angels beside her take her away right before my eyes as those around me pulled me away trying to prevent the inevitable. We grew up knowing that someday we’d have to part and it scared me.
It started with a dream I had January 1, 2005. She was in it. We were in an open field with a barbed wire fence encircled around us. She was smiling and we were looking into the sunset. I felt a cold chill run up the back of my neck as I turned around to see that she was crying and I woke up. I kept having these dreams not understanding what they were trying to tell me until July first.
This time the dream was in a different field on my dad’s property. We were talking and I was begging that she stay. She was depressed and crying, almost like she’d given up. I said, “Just stay for me!” She said she would then her teeth started falling out of her mouth. I told her please put them back, you can’t go! She did for me but I knew her heart wasn’t in it and I knew death was upon her. That night I had another dream and it told me the exact date and time of her death and the reason why. When I woke up I knew I had to tell her to try and fix the timeline somehow but how?
That morning I called her, our usual, and I slowly started out about my dreams not telling her the meaning. She said she was having dreams herself that a giant spider was lurking in the dark and trying to attack her but every time it attacked I’d come out and defend her and scare it away. I think she knew something was going on but couldn’t explain it… so I finally told her the last dream in the field where her teeth were falling out and she said, “It sounds like I’m going to die.”
I was surprised she took it so well and said, “Yes…” And then I told her the reason why and that she had six months and that we had to get it right. Her death was set on January 1, 2006. The process would start at 1 pm and end between 1 to 1:30 pm that day. That set us on a course of going through each and every medication she was on along with long eight hour talks through the day each day. She was figuring out her life and I was there to listen and help her through. She also had secrets that she hadn’t even told me before that she wanted to get off her chest.
Now my family wanted me to go with them to the coast for the weekend to celebrate the New Year’s, Eve. I told my sister way in advance. She sent me a cellular phone through the mail so I could call her. I look back and it wouldn’t have mattered if I had stayed home or not. The only difference would have been being that I would have been alone when I got the call. And so I’ll begin with the story…
As I heard the words empty into my ear, from the phone… “I’m sorry to have to say this, but your sisters dead.” The blood emptied out of my head, my heart sank to the ground and my body froze unable to move. Terror was the only thing I could feel as I shook all over and not wanting to believe a word.
Was I still sleeping? The thought kept entering my mind. I just talked to her, Saturday… and now it’s Monday, January 2nd. She died on January 1st, the 1st day of the new year. We tried so hard to prevent it. What had we missed?
Turning into a robotic human, while shoving my way to the door to let out a scream, I opened the screen door trying to cry but only muffled noises were coming out of my throat as I searched for her face in my mind.
My husband and daughter asked me what happened as they walked into the kitchen. The words would not come out as I kept hearing “your sisters dead” still flowing like a raging river through my head. Dizzy, I turned around with so much heartache and overwhelming emotion, I burst out the only words I could…”She’s dead!” Sobbing uncontrollably, feeling completely defeated, I sank to the floor. My legs felt like noodles as I cried up to God, asking why??? But he didn’t answer me back.
We had just got back from celebrating the new year with family at the coast on January 2nd when I retrieved the calls from the answering machine. The message was left by her grieving husband at 2:30 pm on January 1st. I had the strangest feeling that something had happened to her. I felt her slipping away. No, it was more, I couldn’t feel her anymore. I tried calling but a storm came in and all phones were useless. The nagging feeling that something was wrong kept me from enjoying myself as my mind always came back thinking about her. To get my mind off feeling helpless as I felt her death and not being able to contact to her confirm or not we went to see “Narnia.” I couldn’t tell anybody either, they’d only say I was delusional. Funny, even though that was a wonderful movie I still could not shake the dark feeling… Why couldn’t I feel her? She was removed and I knew it because I’ve never felt this way before. Something in my spiritual body knew I lost her.
January 1st and waking up at the beach, with the sound of the waves was peaceful. I tried calling right when I woke up to see how she was but the phones were out due to the storm that came in the early afternoon the prior day. She left a message telling me her spine felt like it was on fire and in a lot of pain so I was worried.
My husband and daughter wanted to go out window shopping to check out the little shops. )Before I left for the vacation I told her I’d pick something special out for her and send it when I got back). So we set out to wander the small city in the morning but by 10 am I started to panic, way deep inside. Again, I tried calling her with my cell phone with no luck. I told myself I’d keep trying to call and with that… forcing a smile, going on with the morning.
1 pm we had gone through most of all the shops and had eaten all the cotton candy, fudge and corn dogs we could muster. There was one more shop I wanted to go to. They sold unique glass bottles and stones. I found a perfect heart shaped bottle with a cork top and various colored agates to fill it to the top.
I asked my husband what time it was. He told me it was 1:15 pm. I purchased my items and walked back to the car and tried one more time. This time the phone rang but nobody answered. More of me was fading. More of her was released, parting. I was physically in pain, feeling the inside of me tearing apart, ripping from every angle. There was no answer… I wanted to run away, I didn’t want to be me at this very moment. How could I distract myself from this physical pain, something so horrible that no amount of pain medicine would take it away?
1:26 pm empty… who was I? I can’t feel you Kandee. Where are you? Anguish and despair overtook me. Now I was nowhere able to function normally. The song “Don’t Cry by Seal” was on the radio. The haunting voice of the singer, crying out for me to listen to the words. What did it mean?
The rest of the day and throughout the evening, I didn’t feel like I was inside my body anymore. I walked endlessly knowing I would never be the same again. I couldn’t identify with myself anymore either because a big part of me was ripped out. Everything felt unreal as I attempted to still be around in-laws, knowing they’d never understand what was going on plus knowing something horrible happened. But I didn’t lose hope that she was still alive so I kept trying to call and grasping for one more hello. Plus, retrieving her last message she sent me trying to find comfort listening to her voice.
That night I went to bed early feeling mentally exhausted and wanting to escape knowing she was gone. I anxiously filled the heart bottle with the rocks I bought and set it on the dresser beside me then took some Benedryl to knock me out and laid down. As I dozed off I stared out into the empty darkness praying to God that everything was okay. I didn’t hear my husband crawl in beside me as I was out for the night. And then sometime during the darkest part of the night, she came to me. I felt something tapping me hard and persistent on my shoulder. Startled awake I turned over to see who it was. There she was sternly looking down at me. She was wearing the grey sweatshirt, faded tight fit Levi jeans and cowboy boots – what we had talked about if she died, and what she wanted to be buried in. I was so shocked I jumped up and rubbed my eyes thinking I was hallucinating. She somberly walked to the wooden chair that was under the high framed window and sat down looking down at the hardwood floor. Then she said, “Remember we agreed if I died I’d come to you? I didn’t make it..” She paused.
I was so shocked I blurted out, “I was trying to call you!” I thought she was upset with me because I hadn’t returned her call and stuttered out, “There was a storm that blew in and knocked out all the phone lines including the cell tower. I tried calling you..” Then in a frenzy, I picked up the big black knit blanket at the foot of the bed I was making her and said, “I’m almost done with your blanket I’m making you, see? I’ll bring it with me when I come visit.”
“Put it in my casket,” She said with defiance. She got up and showed me a pearly white casket as she stood behind it.
“I don’t understand, see here is the blanket,” I said not wanting to look at the casket. “I need to talk to you. I want to come see you as soon as I get home,” I pleaded with her.
“I won’t be here,” She said.
“Yes, you will be,” I pleaded again with her.
“No, I won’t be here!” She said again as she began to get frustrated with me. “Okay, you can fly out here but I won’t be here!”
I didn’t want to hear or see what she was trying to tell me. A strange drowsiness came over me as I stared trying to understand. I struggled to keep my eyes open so I said, “I’ll call you tomorrow morning when I get up. I promise… or come back again…”
“I don’t think I can, it’s only a one-time thing,” She said. “I’m here because we arranged it before hand. I don’t think I can come back.”
She got up from the chair and walked to the corner of the room where a black lace see- through veil hung from the wall. She entered half way, stopped and fixed her eyes back on to me, boring down into my soul with a glare then as if she were studying me with a vexed resentment. Her scowl started to make me feel uncomfortable as I attempted to break eye contact and look away, and then she turned and slipped behind veil between life and death and was gone.
I didn’t know what to think about what just happened as I laid back down immediately falling asleep. My last thoughts were that I’d buy a plane ticket first thing in the morning to help her resolve the issues that were going on in her life. I even thought about relocating as I drifted off… and then she came again but this time she took me away in spirit and we were in her bedroom where she had died.
We stood in her bedroom and she quickly laid down on her king sized bed and said, “There is no rest there! I’ve been running because everytime I try to sit down a demon tries to cut off my head. I also saw some druggy friends that overdosed and died and they were mocking me. I had bragged to them that I went to heaven and that I was better than they and then they saw me here in this place and they’re out to kill me or beat me up. I have to get outta of there and find a better place. It’s like a maze in there!”
I was speechless as she pulled up a similitude to show me where she ended up at which was the exact same place that Yeshua showed me while in paradise:
This was the same room I was shown while I was talking to Yeshua privately in the garden. He had walked me to the edge of paradise and drew a window into the grass and it opened up. He told me to open it and look down inside so I did. It was dark and grey. There were all sorts of people in there crowded next to each other yet they were oblivious that anybody was standing next to them. I got a closer look and examined an old woman looking up toward heaven in deep remorse. I tried talking to her but she didn’t see me. The room was smooth grey rock and up above by the ceiling were small windows that shown in some light, but very little. (In that place, you create your hell in your mind and your remorse is that you didn’t make it to the good side but still getting a glimpse from the above windows).
She said when she died that it wasn’t like the first time with us together and Lurch and her angel. This time she said when she got out of her body she waited for Lurch to come get her but then she heard growling noises and black ghouls come up out of the floor, like the movie “Ghost” starring Demi Moore. She was grabbed and forced down a long dark swirling tunnel into the cave.
I didn’t know what to say, except that I was sorry, I was hoping I was wrong… She turned and faced me and said, “You’re never wrong… When you say something it happens. I learned that a long time ago… and why did you say that exact moment in time of my death? Why not a second more? I wish I would have had just one second more..”
I said, “I’ll watch after your kids and make sure they’re okay…” I saw a similitude of them grown up with their families.
She said, “No, they are mine! And if I had known I would have stopped talking to you. No, I’d never talk to you and spend all my time with them. At least I would have got more prayers from them down here…”
I began to hear the prayers down in that place where a person praying their prayers echo and search through the dark halls until it found the person it belonged to.
I said, “I’m sorry, I really was hoping we could stop this but at least you were able to prepare yourself and like I told you, the first day of the millennium I’m coming to get you out of here…”
She was still mad so I left… that morning I woke up ready to get back home with all the images of things that happened that night clear in my mind. As soon as we walked into our house, I checked the phone messages and saw that her husband had called. Strange… so I called immediately. That’s when I got the news… a day late… but I had already known.
I miss her every day which makes me even more determined to make it through to the end of this Hot MESs we’re all going to have to go through with Satan and the tribulation. No, there is no rapture. We’re stuck here but we’ll have angelic help.